Let's Take a Moment - capturing the beauty of the day

Acknowledging Myself and My Process 

I started this blog as a way to connect with others and share my life experiences. When starting out I thoroughly enjoyed the focused work it provided and I imagined myself continuing on in this same vein for months and months. What I have found is that my internal voice argues throughout the day with me about it. I think of topics and moments I want to share and then that voice gets going. Nothing specific, more of a challenge to what I see as a creative outlet for myself. The voice likes to argue that I worked for all of my adult life and it's ridiculous to put deadlines on myself while I'm living my SAHM dream. And, on that note, I have promoted myself to Family Engineer. I am making up business cards and a nameplate. Back to the issues with the voice. If you follow me at all then you know that the voice was very persuasive....in other words, I have not posted in weeks. 

What's interesting to me is that I didn't throw the blog to the side and not think of it. It is on my mind pretty much throughout every day. I word things in my head, I think of topics and I worry about not posting. Now we're back to the beginning again with the voice telling me that I don't need to spend my time that way. Self-sabotaging is the term, I believe. I do this with exercise and food too. I get in a groove, I feel good, I'm focused and then the voice hits me with how I don't owe anyone exercise. When I catch onto myself doing this I can sometimes shut it down by jumping back into the exercise program or forcing myself to weigh and measure my meals. I'm doing it tonight with my blog. I got my computer out and wouldn't you know, it is dead and the charger is on the other side of the room (10 feet away), under the table, behind two chairs and Elijah is working there, so I better just leave it for tonight. It is a sign. Damn it, voice, you almost got me. Again, if you're reading this, then you know I kicked the voice's tush (maybe....it depends on if I get this actually posted). 

The most pervasive thought has been to capture some moments that I witnessed and to share them here.  I wonder how often we pass by a moment that should be given space in our day. A moment of peace that may be overlooked because life can get so crazy. A moment of joy that wasn't felt because our attention was elsewhere. A moment that we took for granted or misread, all the falling leaves just equate to more raking instead of witnessing their beauty and mesmerizing quality. Two specific moments were had and held by me recently. 

Fall is moving quickly into winter, we've had rain and clouds and lots of wind. On a recent sunny day, I was sitting outside in the barnyard with just Barrett and Grayson. Grayson was sleeping in the swing and Bear was playing on his own. I had my book and was actually reading it. I paused in my reading to take in the moment. The sun warming my back, my shadow blocking the page in the light so that I could see the words in the brightness of the day, a bird singing in a nearby tree, the leaves fluttering in a slight breeze, and the fresh smell of fall. It hit me hard, this moment. I stayed still and aware of the things around me so that when cabin fever hits I can revisit it. 

Barrett has been having a hard time taking naps in the bed. I finally had the realization that I needed to stop the battle and go on nap walks or nap drives. On one of our nap drives, I was struck by the beauty of the world around me. The beauty of the moment was so picturesque it felt surreal. Image a country road lined with forest and pastures. This in itself would be a beautiful drive but add in fall leaves and it was incredible! The specific moment was when a swirl of leaves danced down through the sunlight on the breeze. I drove through them with a goofy grin and love filling my heart. It was such a powerful moment that I knew I wanted to capture it here. I wanted to keep it fresh and vivid for times when I may need it. 

Catching these moments is almost a game for me. I want to win all the moments! I love that even on a drive to the store I can find these treasures. I sometimes point them out to my boys so that they don't look past them. Living in the Pacific Northwest provides the perfect place to appreciate my surroundings. 

I have been working on taking this special moment observation skill I have and applying it to being home with the kids. The times when Grayson wants to continue nursing even though I know he is not hungry, I'm literally here to do just that. When he wakes up for the umpteenth time in the night I remind myself, usually with a smile and an extra snuggle, that I literally am here to do just that. When Barrett wants to play outside in the dark, I am literally here just to do that. When Barrett needs more attention in the evening and he only wants to do one on one activities, I'm literally here just for that. When Autzen has a school assignment that requires him to build a paper tower, I am literally here to build it with him. I had the opportunity to leave my career to be here to do these things. I want to make sure that when I'm doing them I am working from a place of excitement, patience, love, and presence. I want to avoid it feeling like a chore. I have been successful in turning around some frustrating feelings by reminding myself I am literally here to do just this. 

To circle back to my vision of blogging, I will be adjusting my own expectations. Instead of a weekly deadline, it'll have to be a surprise. It may even be a surprise for me! I LOVE SURPRISES! I may end up posting more frequently or letting it go for a bit. I'm not sure what that means in the long run, but let's just go with it for now.